Bullies and Benefits

It’s taken me awhile, but I think I know now why I was one of the sacrificial lambs in the recent layoffs at my office. What were they thinking, I ask myself over and over again?  I was loyal, always on time, worked late at times, offered to help other departments…brought in revenue.  It didn’t seem to make sense.

But then it hit me  like a ton of bricks.  I think I was let go under false pretenses.  Instead of the reasoning that they provided – that they have to cut costs and replace me with a part-time employee who will not need insurance or employee benefits – I really believe it was due to the fact that I was an Office Bully.

There is a poll that was taken from a real live advocacy group called WBI, or “Workplace Bullying Institute.” I swear I am not making this up.

Some workforce advocates think that more laws are needed to enforce action against employers who bully someone based on race, religion or sexual orientation. In 17 states, you can now sue an employer for damages due to bullying. But in my case – and if the shoe was on the other foot – and I was the bullier, then what??

Let’s see, if I remember correctly, one of my last conversations with a co-worker was, “If you don’t stop being Polly Perky in the morning, I may have to exercise my option to cut-a-bitch prior to 10 ayem.” It was common knowledge that if I hadn’t had my coffee, I just may kill you.

Another comment I was overheard saying was, “If the server continues to go down, I will be compelled to aim my 9 millimeter at that dark spot on your forehead and you will have to forfeit more than just your lunch hour.”

I became the Kitchen Nazi at times – dumping anything in the refrigerator that moved, grew hair, or smelled like a rat’s decayed ovaries. If an employee was upset about losing his three-day old lunch, I considered myself Florence Nightingale and justified it because I was saving them a visit to the emergency room.

I went into battle with the wanna-be French whore across the hall whose perfume lingered 20 minutes after she passed the copy machine. But in my defense, I was thoughtful, and left a bowl of allergy medication mixed in with the bowl of M & M’s on the snack counter for other employees.  It really wasn’t my fault that the janitor had a sweet tooth and overdosed.

Do we really need an advocacy group to intercede on behalf of employees with no common sense or gonads? It’s one thing when you are in first grade to learn to grow tough skin, prevent altercations with quick thinking and common sense, and to avoid Little Johnny who has just smashed your PBJ into your chest with a double-dare stare.

But as adults, hopefully we’ve learned that Anal Anna is not really mad at us, but has just not been laid in three weeks, and to simply avoid her venemous attacks. I think we are all adult enough now to question making a federal or state case over the day-to-day management of a workforce. Emily Post would be turning over in her grave….

I believe people only bully you if you allow yourself to be bullied.  But if one does, just offer him or her a quarter for some chocolate milk to go with that PBJ.

Sometimes I even  like potato chips with my PBJ.


Filed under At Work

4 responses to “Bullies and Benefits

  1. Mad Dog

    Margie: you are too funny – and how DARE you take an HR duty. Gawd knows they are not a “financially producing dept” so they are aware they are always one a short budget string!
    Oh, and how about the IT nerd that says, I have to take the system down, and I say, Oh God, I have a million dollar proposal to get out! He says, Oh Well – in your face. OH NO YOU DIN’T Dude, who do you think pays your measly salary – the janitor?! No the anal/freaky sales people!!! Now, that feels better (-:


  2. maureen downey

    Well, you will either be called a bully or a bitch, not sure which B word is worse!! Most people are so defensive, I guess it really wouldn’t matter which B word they use – it’s all the same to them.


  3. Marjorie Schalles

    Oh, the perfume! Hate, hate, hate it! I ended up buying unscented hand lotion for my co-irkers and replacing the battery in the electric bathroom deodorizer with a dead one. They still haven’t figured that out! When I sent around a perky email to the general staff about wearing perfume, I almost got my head handed to me by HR. Seems that is THEIR job (that they weren’t doing…) And the smokers standing outside next to the intake vents; oh, sister, don’t get me started…Oh. Does this make me a bully?


  4. Do I know the french whore, I wonder? I hate too much perfume. We had one short-lived lady in marketing that had the most powerfully acidic (citrus) perfume I’ve ever been subjected to.

    I took to keeping an open tin of shoe polish next to my computer as a neutralizer.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s