I was recently viewing a very touching video of a woman standing in front of her book club reading passages from a book on letting go of children as they journey into adulthood. Tissues came out, tears welled up in her audience’s eyes, and memories of their adult children as youngsters flooded their minds.
Not so fast, Sister Sappy. One of my adult children has yet to bring such tear-jerking memories to my life. Seems this little birdie has grown very comfie in the nest. Granted, she is teetering on the edge in her Louboutins, just about ready to launch. But then she looks back and sees the well-stocked refrigerator, her checking account growing in leaps and bounds, Poppa Bird changing the oil in her car and Momma Bird picking up the slack on her laundry.
I will have to consider some tactical measures for my mission. Should you choose this mission as well, feel free to use these measures when you find yourself in similar territory. Note: This message will self destruct in 15 minutes, so write it down, especially since you’re old and you’ll forget.
1. Discreetly set a box of Depends right next to her fruity, pastel colored box of feminine hygiene products in the linen closet.
2. Leave your Long Term Life Insurance form lying around with a big black “x” marked on the Decline box.
3. Place her wet towels in her bedroom hamper, deep underneath the rest of her clothes, until the gagging mold and mildew odor of Phosphine poisonous gas envelops her room. Then cut up all your Yankee Candle room plug-in coupons.
4. Place your 24-hour urine lab test in the see-thru giant gallon next to the carton of milk in the fridge.
5. “Accidentally” replace her toothpaste with your tube of hemorrhoid cream.
6. Call her often on her cell phone and leave voicemails instead of texting.
7. Replace all the alcohol in the fridge with O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer.
9. Take up smoking Marlboros in the house again.
10. Invite your ya-ya sisterhood over, chat about pregnancies and childbirth and have a contest for the most gruesome stories in earshot of her room. Say the word “placenta” often.
11. When she comes home from work, ask her to tell you about the favorite part of her day, every day.
13. Set the fire escape ladder outside her bedroom window and ask her what a six-letter word for “get married” is on your crossword puzzle that starts with e-l-o….
14. Download your husband’s favorite Captain & Tennille song onto her IPod.
15. Surprise her at work and bring her a bagged lunch.
16. Accompany her into the gynecologist’s examining room.
17. Ask her how her diet’s going.
18. Correct her grammar on her Facebook postings – after she agrees to befriend you. Better yet, befriend her friends and correct their grammar.
20. Tell her to call you with the “secret code” if she needs you to pick her up from a nightclub.
21. Play “Blackbird, Fly” by the Beatles loudly in the car.
These should suffice for now. If she’s 40 and still living here, I’ll go to Plan B. I might have to bring out the big guns, which will entail leaving my teeth on the kitchen counter, next to my day-of-the-week pill box.