I was thinking back the other night about my glory days in college when my friends and I would sit in some dank corner cafe at two in the morning drinking pots of coffee after a night of slamming beers and playing pool at the local campus watering hole. Once the bar closed down, we’d head to the diner and find a cozy booth and while away the hours as we puffed away on cigarettes and filled our guts with gastronomic delights like greasy eggs, half-burnt bacon and crispy hash browns. Back in those days, there was no quinoa oatmeal with pomegranate seeds & figs offered on menus, nor did they offer a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk coffee. No, we drank the real deal – straight out of a western movie where the cowhands used to boil coffee in an old aluminum pot over a crackling fire. We took it dark and as thick as motor oil, then tempered it with a half a cup of real cream and two heaping teaspoons of sugar.
Well, those freewheeling days finally caught up with me. I’m now staring at that boring bowl of oatmeal and, unfortunately, paying for those glory days. The viscosity of that motor oil has slowly degraded my innards, leaving in its wake numerous trips to the gastroenterologist with a diagnosis of silent reflux disease. And with acidic foods no longer being my friend, just inhaling the delicious aroma after walking by a coffee kiosk has me crying and running from the mall like a little bitch.
But come hell or high water, I was determined to find something – anything – that tasted, looked and smelled like coffee that would trick my brain into thinking I was 20 again. And after extensive research, I think I’ve found a close second.
There are a few coffee substitutes on the market. My favorite is Cafix, a Polish product made from barley, chicory, malted barley, figs, and extract of red beet that is the closest I’ve come to drinking a real cup of coffee. (Don’t let the fruits and vegies fool you.) And as for that glorious kick I’m missing from caffeine? I found once I decaffeinated myself (slowly, very slowly!), I actually had more energy due to the absence of the crash ‘n burn effects from caffeine.
So, I’ve taken my once-beloved, once-real Bullet Proof Coffee recipe and tweaked it a bit so I can still enjoy the illusion of coffee while eliminating the caffeine (and acid). Well, it may be more like Buckshot Proof Coffee, but it’s close enough. There are different recipes for it out there, but this is my go-to one. The key to its success is that it needs to be blended, not stirred [read: say no to oil spills]. So pull out your favorite blender (I use my Magic Bullet) and enjoy.
Meanwhile, I’m off to get my oil changed. No, I mean in my car. Oh, wait. They have coffee in the lobby, don’t they? Oh, botha…
Add a heaping teaspoon of Cafix into a mug of nuked or boiling water. Set aside.
Add to your blender:
1 heaping tsp. grass-fed butter (I use Kerrygold)
1 heaping tsp. organic, virgin coconut oil (like Spectrum)
Mug of hot Cafix
(Optional) 1 tsp. Sugar in the Raw, or Organic Blue Agave
Blend until frothy!
And, by the way, I’m not getting paid to advertise these products. Even though I should be…