OK, new fear. Aluminum in my deodorant. This is the first I’ve heard of this, so seems to me I’m a gonner anyway, cuz I’m older than dirt. But I guess it’s never too late to pretend you are never going to die.
Perhaps I’m more in tuned to this new scare because I’ve only had a single kidney since birth, and the one I have is a little whack, so I’ve been hunting around the internet trying to find some potion that will miraculously keep me from facing the inevitable. But I’m only coming across evil. Seems kidneys don’t like aluminum, no way, no how. But instead of fearing my kidney disease, I’m going to face it head on and become mutually beneficial friends.
My first step was to give the little bean a break. I bought my first “Tom’s long-lasting-odor-preventive-aluminum-free-and-zinc-free-deodorant-stick.” Nice and smooth, I thought. Glides on easily. Oooo, and do I smell lavender? No white residue, that’s a plus. This is going to be great, I thought. Here I’ve been showing up at staff meetings with streaky white stains in shapes of arrows pointing up to my underarms all over my black blouses. That’s one level up in the embarrassment factor from walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper hanging out the back of your pants.
But alas, by lunchtime, my office started to smell like the bottom of my parakeet’s bird cage. Is that me? I didn’t mind that it’s not an antiperspirant (since that’s the aluminum part), but my next fear was heading to my car in the 95 degree weather and hoping I didn’t run into anyone I know.
But in Tom’s defense, since no bees attacked my pits from the rotting lavender odor emitting from my underarms, I may give them one more chance. Maybe I just tried the wrong one. I haven’t gone through the entire list they offer: the long-lasting-care-deodorant-stick in Apricot (Prunus armeniaca..sounds like an HBO series),the cucumber-grapefruit sensitive-care-deodorant-stick (sour salad?), or the original-care-deodorant-stick in Woodspice (Todd Palin’s choice, no doubt, during his K9 runs).
I’m trying really hard, little kidney, really I am.